The Day after Mother's Day: A word for Dads:

In most families, and especially here in Japan, child-rearing duties fall to the mother in the household. Watching my wife deal with managing a household—cooking, washing clothes daily, packing school lunches and communicating with teachers,--I’d say she has one of the busiest, hardest jobs in the world (though arguably one of the most rewarding). Add to this that some women, on top of all that, work during the day, and I feel almost in awe of working moms.

We men have our jobs, too, and they can be tiring. I imagine thousands of Japanese salarymen dragging themselves home after ten or so hours at the office, exhausted, hungry, and perhaps with a little work-related stress brought home for good measure.

Meishi! Furou! Neru! (Dinner! Bath! Sleep!) is not a real good basis for conjugal communication, but to say that I didn’t have nights when that’s all I wanted would be less than honest.

So what’s a father to do with his kids? Even moreso, what can the father be doing if one of his children is not going to school?

The easiest thing to do ( and what I see most often) is the blame game. I’m out all day earning money for this family! Couldn’t you at least get the kids to school?”

Blaming your wife is certainly no way to address the issue of futoko-ism. Neither is blaming the school, teachers, or your child him or herself.
The first thing you can do is to support your wife. She and you are in this together, and she needs your support (and you will need hers) as you tackle some of the challenges you will face being a “futoko parent.”

Now, being the parent of a futoko kid may not be as glamourous as being the parent of a golf pro or a t.v. personality, but it can be just as rewarding. And here is a promise: during your child’s futoko period, whether is last for days, weeks, months or years, if you stay in the game, don’t give up, and get support, you have the opportunity to learn more about your children, your spouse, your family and yourself than you ever thought possible.

The easiest and least effective route for the father to take is just to opt out. Deny there is a problem or leave it to mom and the teachers to sort out.

In my 15 years of meeting school refusal kids and their parents in japan, I can say that one of the common factors I often see is the absense (physical or emotional) of a father figure. Often times the mother is single, the father is no longer present…..


;;;

Nov 28 Best 10

1. Kazuyuki called this morning to say that the freezing rain would keep him home today, but that he had indeed been hired for the job he interviewed for last week! It is "only" a 4 month gig at an educational publishers printing press, putting things in boxes, keeping things in order. He was so funny when I asked him about the interview, nonchalant, "yeah, I'm 'sposed to get started next year." Yes, January, in one month. This is a big step, and, beyond the idea, did it all by himself. Bravo to him!

2. Got an I CAN poster out to the NPO support center, who will display it at their 10 year anniversary event tomorrow. Though they didn't greet me as a king, like yesterday, I was happy to see this group, energized for thier event, and happy that there was a poster to contribute that would help I CAN as well.

3. Today's Rotary meeting didn't go as I had planned. I had hoped to tap on a few shoulders and mention I CAN, but suddenly the lights were dimmed for a historical video presentation. Lunch, "Katsu-don," was pretty good, though :)

4. Hit the fundraising trail again. I think I mentioned the past due notices arriving at I CAN, so there is a sense of urgency. I went to our kids' pediatrition, but she was very busy with flu shots. Then I went to "JMIX," a computer solutions company, again part of the Oshima empire. Though the decision-makers were not in, it was really nice to have someone there who would listen to our pitch, take notes, and make us feel listened to. No sponsorships at the golf driving range, but I saw some old familiar faces who said they could set up some free time for our kids, anyway.

What I am getting from these fundraising outings more than anything is the feeling of community and connectedness. Everytime I get out and meet people I realize how much more important, interesting, productive that is that staying inside and doodling with the computer.

5. I tried to immerse myself with gratefulness feelings yesterday, to help balance the bills that showed up. I really imagined what it would be like to put the required cash into the hands of the collector. I was grateful, and imagined what I would really feel if some magic influx of income "just showed up."

Then, in the mailbox, 3 unexpected checks, putting a dent in what's due. My heart beat a little faster as I opened up the deposit envelopes. Then I laughed.

6. During all this, Emiko called and said she was inspired to have a Thanksgiving party tonight. OK, one day late, but with the time difference and all, not too far off. This woman surprises me again. 2 days ago she was feeling unappreciated. Today she is calling the neighbors, roasting chicken and making her first quiche. I missed the first half of the festivities, but arrived home after work to a feast, then endless games of hide and seek with the 3~4 year old guests that had also been here at Halloween. A great end to the week. Oh yeah. Exhausting!

7. I stopped by I CAN this evening to check on Akiko and her student Hiro, and to give her a paycheck. By the time Hiro arrived, I was just remembering that she had asked me to cover this class. Whew. Saved by being there, on accident. Lucky?

8. Paycheck deposit!

9. Yuto and Eli being way too hyped up after "their" party. One of the things I love about these guys is that they honestly crack me up. Oh yeah. I mentioned exhaustion, too, right?

10. Emiko's new mood. She was making an effort to be sweet today. "I rented that DVD you wanted." Tiny gesture. Giant gratitude.

Nov 27 Best 10

This could be hard because of another blow-up at home and a few large “past due” notices at work…but here goes:

1. It was Thanksgiving! My favorite holiday the whole year, though it’s a bit different over here…

2. Before today’s mis-communication (read: meltdown), Emiko made a great poster for I CAN and the Pony group’s joint project this morning. The things she can do with a Microsoft Word program always amaze me.

3. Nice weather. Abe decided to use his time on another part time job he has to support his I CAN habit: delivering fliers, door to door. It gave me some much longed for alone time at I CAN, as Yuki was still out sick.

4. Just when I was about to get bored, my best friend and former Engish teaching comrade Simon came in the door for a visit. I have missed having him in the English school’s staffroom. Very nice to see his friendly face today.

5. After lunch and an argument at home, I tried to continue the donor canvassing from yesterday. All the low-hanging fruit has been taken by now, so thinking about where to ask is becoming more of a challenge. On the other hand, sitting down and listing possible donors starts to shift the mind into a more resourceful (abundant-thinking) state. I felt like making the list itself was important work.

6. Then I got started knocking on doors. A few false starts, then I went to UKIO, a hundred year old Japanese garden restaurant right in the middle of town. It is gorgeous, and happens to be owned by my former boss, Mr. Oshima. I like to arrive without calling. Though I lose points in business manners, I get a lot more done, meet a lot more people, and get my foot in more doors by actually being there, standing in front of the person in charge.

Today I met Mr. Fuse (Fu-say) who was remarkably friendly and happy to chat. I hope to plan another “foreigners event” at this restaurant, with geishas and everything, so we talked about what that would be like. (answer: quite expensive! You seen the rates of geisha lately?!)

Before long we were talking about who we were, personally, and it seemed as if I had made a new friend. Doubly nice if he decides to make a contribution to I CAN

7. Getting greeted like a lost king at the NPO support group. I’m not sure why, but I suspect it’s because they want more attendees at their 10th anniversary event this weekend. I should probably go, but it is right on Yuto’s 4th birthday this Sunday.

8. At an evening English class, one of the little (11?) girls who had been driving me crazy with her attitude, for the first time since I met her two months ago, seemed cute. I’m not sure if cute is the right word, but for the first time I could see her as a little girl who, despite flare ups, was really doing her best in english class.

9. Same story, different class: one of the giggly, screw-around boys stood up and gave a near flawless english presentation. Smiles.

10. A wonderful call between classes on my cellphone. It was Yuto, on his mom’s phone, calling to tell me I had forgotten a pink plastic monkey at home that he was certain I needed for work (yes, we have pink plastic monkey toys at my house. No, I don’t need them for work). Also he wanted to get a haircut. Also would I try to pick up the new Narnia DVD for him this afternoon. Amazing to me, because this whole conversation was in his second language, English.

Kids=Sponges.

Nov 25 Best 10

1. Keeping a promise to Yuto by buying him a kind of steamed-curry meat bun. I don’t know why, but it seemed important enough that I visit a few convenience stores to find this snack that I promised him yesterday. The smile on his face was worth the effort!

2. Nice hot shower to wake up from the cold night.

3. Mr. Okaniwa’s visit. It looks like our new member/donator will be dropping by for chats. About 65, with a little extra time and money now, he has found our little non-profit. A delightful man.

4. Keitaro’s University application is due on the 30th, and is coming down to the wire. It feels good to help him clean up the English on his essay, but there is still a long way to go in merely a day or two!

5. Melted cheese on toast with seasoned salt and pepper. Simple, a tad junky, but warm and soothing today at about 3:00.

6. Abe’s comment today in the car: “I think I’d like to start taking on more responsibility…” Fantastic. On the downside, I could only pay him about 90 bucks for his efforts this month.

7. Very productive meeting with the horseriding NPO we are trying to joint venture with for just a day next month. Amazing how crossed our signals had become (thanksgiving vs. christmas, our place vs. theirs, budget, etc) All these negotiating bits had waited until today. Now it seems we are back on track for a successful event come Dec. 7.

8. Nice, little tidbits of English from the little ones: a non-prompted, “Hi Charlie, how are you?” makes a world of difference. Little bits of natural(istic?) conversation mixed in with the “lesson.” The Santa is Coming to Town girls continue to amaze me.

9. A good conversation with Blair at the Engish school. Though we spent some energy criticising our last collegue, we are both looking forward to the new one, who’s visa “eligibility” just came through from the immigration office here. If all goes well, we will be welcoming a new teacher in 2~3 more weeks.

10. Hitting the hay before…um. 1:00?

Nov 24 Best 10

1. Sleeping in.

2. The fact that today, “Thanks for the Workers Day” was a holiday. Kind of a cross between the American “Thanksgiving” and “Labor Day.” Only a single, one-on-one English class in the evening, which went well.

3. It’s been a while since I rode the highway (freeway?) bus. Nice to be able to sleep, as a passenger, than have to fight the rain, fight for parking, etc.

4. I was taking the bus going up to Niigata city, the prefecture capitol, for a Free School Lecture. The speaker, Keiko Okuchi, is kind of the guru of the free school world here. Hearing her presentation, I was re-inspired and re-energized to continue with this work.

5. Ms. Okuchi invited me to their National event in Tokyo in January (to speak?) Bullet train expenses paid;)

6. A hot pastrami sandwich and a Starbucks cappucino. Yes, I go all out when I go to the big city…

7. Seeing my family after 2.5 days. The freedom I enjoy when they are at grandma’s is one thing, but the reunion is even better.

8. Communication with Emiko in the car. When the kids are asleep in their carseats, we finally can stop singing “Ultraman” songs and have adult conversation. One of the things I love about emily is that she is always trying to improve herself.

9. Rain. Rather than snow.

10. Something is stirring about writing a book…

11. Whatever I do next!

Nov 22~23 best 10 at Yoga Weekend

Good rejuvenation at one of my favorite places.

1. Meeting 2 new people, in person, via Facebook! Angela and Holly were fun new additions to this group.

2. Shiatsu (finger pressure) massage!

3. 2 days of delicious, self-grown vegetarian dining

4. Hugs from Akai san. I swear she is the only woman in Japan to do this greeting.

5. Too-hot-at-first, then just-right onsen (hot spring) bath.

6. Cold, clear sky with stars twinkling after our trip to the public bath.

7. Getting to know Takako, the lady who comes up for English lessons is now also my yoga partner/masseuse.

8. Foot massage? Not massage of the feet, but by the feet. You know, having someone step on your lower back and knead it with heel/toe.

9. Getting up early for a morning walk in the mountains. White with first snow, they were beautiful!

10. The fresh vegetables we picked and Akai san whipped together for breakfast.

11. The whole deal. Peaceful, restful, refreshing.

Nov 21 Best 10

1. Kids and mom out again early; I enjoy one of those “big breakfasts.”

2. Mom calls from California. When she calls on an unscheduled day, my heart always skips a beat, expecting bad news of some sort. Today’s big tragedy? She wants to know how to fill out the California Drivers license renewal that came in the mail. Easy enough! Great to hear mom in a good mood.

3. Kazu called I CAN to cancel his meeting today, but added that the reason was because of a JOB INTERVIEW. His voice sounds good. This is movement we have been working towards for literally years, now.

4. Getting the courage to go next door to Oshima’s Car Dealership. Having the same owner as my former boss, they are also yearly donators to I CAN. However, the last time I asked for “dues,” the woman in charge of the books had a stern face, not too willing to help out this time. When I got up enough courage to go BACK, again, and re-ask, she smiled, said she had forgotten, and then gracefully put some cash in my outstreched paws.

5. Helping Keitaro on his…UC Berkeley application. Now this boy is a go-getter. Upon refusing to go to high school, he immediately passed his equivalency exam, then took a year to study in Australia, and now wants to go to college in America. Does he have the record to go to Cal? Not sure, but I’m happy to polish his “personal statement” and help him go through the learning experience of making an application

6. Abe and I on the charitable donation hunt. The most unfriendly, downright gloomy place we visited was the psychological hospital/counselling center. I thought we would have some common ground there, but after two meetings I give up. My god, even the receptionist looks like an Adams Family escapee. Do people go to such places expecting to feel better? Talk about weird, down energy… On the other hand, our visit to the retirement home was met by a bright, sincere, eager to listen young woman (I might even say “perky”) This is part of Oshima’s empire, so of course the reception was a bit warmner, but we had a nice cup of coffee, making plans to set up volunteerism at the home with the I CAN girls members…

7. Picking up the finished miso that we made back in April. Finally it has fermented enough to be “done.” The ride up to the kitchen to get it was hairy: lightning, thunder, blinding hailstorms. The Strattons, 4 of us in the car with Emiko at the wheel, oooohed at each lightning flash, aaahhhed at each thunder clap. And Yuto was proud to pick up the miso that “he” made.

8. Emily made a “tofu milk hotchpotch” tonight for dinner. Basically, hotchpotch is the dictionary translation for “nabe” (naw-bey) in which all sorts of vegetables and meats are simmered together in a big broth. In Japan, most families but a little gas stove on the eating table and a big earthen pot simmers in the center of the table. You take the raw vegetables and meats that you want with your chopsticks and add them to the brew, taking them out when you want. Very communal and fun. With Eli (and Yuto, too, running around for that matter) we have yet to try the gas stove on the table version. Emiko makes it in the kitchen and brings it out. Boy, it tasted good. Who would have thunk it: Tofu milk?

9. The weird, “up” energy of Yuto and Eli this night before bath, literally running, singing and dancing through the house. Naked.

10. Emiko catches me for a few minutes: “I’ve been thinking about how you can help get more business for I CAN.” Her ideas are excellent, even inspiring. And more than the substance of her ideas, in fact, was that she had been thinking of how to help me, and communicated it. Highlight of the day.

Nov 20 Best 10

Posted By Charlie3

A lot of little good things to be appreciated in the last few days. I need to be more diligent in journaling them! For instance, the drive up the mountain river valley almost like a time slip into some earlier, thatched roof Japanese time, the family that I met up there who offered me green tea and takuan pickles, and then the grandfather himself, 75 years old, who came down to teach us how to make rope from straw by kneading it with our hands.

For today:

1. Woke up to the first snow of the season. Yuto is excited for a snowfight, 2 year old Eli says she doesn’t like it.

2. Yuki calls in sick. This is really not a good news item, you see, but it does free up the day…:p

3. Abe stayed self motivated, produced an I CAN poster and sent it off to the national free school festival in Tokyo

4. Writing a letter the old friend who felt motivated to Paypal a donation to I CAN.

5. A visit by Atarashi san (the Franciscan monk) and his 2 Philippine nun friends. They were promoting their Christmas Gospel Concert. Kind of interesting when performed by Japanese, wearing incredibly politically incorrect afro wigs…in the Catholic Church.
6. A semi-productive meeting with the local newspaper about how to work together to produce a lecture/seminar on self esteem for kids in January.

7. Warm weather that melted the snow, delaying the purchase of new snow tires for which funds…I now require!

8. Finding out that 3 new non-Japanese aquaintances will be joining for Ms. Akai’s yoga weekend in the mountains this weekend. These are people who live locally, but whom I only know through facebook (susan, another nudge?) I’m happy to be able to help out Akai san in this way.

9. The first English class of the day, 9 and 10 year olds, who got genuinely excited when they matched two pictures of hippopotami during our game of concentration.

10. Getting back to these Best 10 lists!

Nov 12 Best 10

Late, but here goes: Today was mainly about Yuto’s and my trip to the apple orchards with I CAN.

1. Son Yuto is in a very excited mood because we decided he was coming apple picking with the I CANers this morning. 3-year-old excitement is fun for everybody.

2. We had a small meeting before getting into the car at I CAN, and went through the very Japanese ritual of self-introductions, as Yuto was a guest. Because he WON the rock-paper-scissors decision mechanism, Yuto was first, his dad watching a bit too closely. And he did just great. In Japanese, “My name is Charles Yuto, my favorite food is chocolate, and today I want to pick a lot of apples.” With no one to model after, I thought that his was right on. I’m biased. He smiled.

3. Beautiful blue skies. Good driving weather for the hour-plus into the mountains in Nagano prefecture. You remember Winter Olympics there, right?

4. The drive up with Yuto in the passenger seat, 4 I CANers sitting behind us. In a way, taking my son on an event like this is a mini-dream come true. Though I couldn’t get past the feeling that most of the conversation was beyond him, and I spent energy trying to be equally an I CAN teacher and a dad, I felt like Yuto really grew up on this trip with the older kids.

5. A very warm greeting by Aoyama, the man who owns the orchard/preschool here. The preschool itself is incredible, with hand-built showers and library, a wooden main building that looks like a log ski cabin, emphasis on cooperative learning in a natural setting. Yes, our kids would be going here if it wasn’t an hour each way!

6. Picnic lunch under bright red-leaved autumn trees in crisp blue air.

7. Playing in a treehouse with my son. Swinging on the giant, “scary” rope swing.

8. Yuto again, racing with the big boys down a giant hill, taking a wild, cartwheeling spill, getting scared, crying, hugging dad, then 2 minutes later being back on the starting line.

9. Lifting my son up to pick the giantest fruits from trees laden down with softball-sized red “Fuji” apples.

10. Telling the stories all over again to Mom at dinner.

Nov 11 Best 10

1. The few extra moments -- for the second day in a row--when Emiko took on preschool drop-off duty, and I could fully wake up with coffee and internet news.

2. Abe ready to go this morning: "should I get that mailing shipped off?" Yes, and good initiative!

3. That little song I posted by The Weepies. It was fun being re-introduced to them

4. A great visit at the chairman of I CAN's office. Mr. Nirei is officially the top of our organization, but as a prefecture-level (state level?) elected official, he mainly comes when there is a problem. Once in awhile mail addressed to him comes to the classroom, and I had some other information for him, so Abe and I set off to his local office. Though Mr. Nirei himself wasn't in, his staff ushered us in for coffee, let us talk about I CAN and our mission, and professed support for what we are trying to do. Nice to meet some people so nice, unexpectedly.

5. Repairing fences: our next stop was visiting the kitchen where we hoped to roast our self-killed and dressed chickens as part of an appreciate life/thanksgiving project at I CAN. The woman there, who had been a friend, had been being less friendly since spring. Strange tensions. Although our chicken/turkey sacrifice project seems on hold, and she remains not as inviting as she once was, it was worth going to make the visit, have some face time, look eye to eye and have conversation. A step in the right direction.

6. I found half an avocado to stuff into my tuna sandwich at lunch today ;)

7. Reaching out: I called the mother of a couple of members who have been out of the picture lately. Anyway, they will join us tomorrow for a field trip to an apple orchard. Also, though not as direct, I emailed another mother whose children have been absent lately too, inviting the kids to join us for activities in November.

8. An almost perfect rendition of "Santa Claus is Coming to Town" prepared by two darling 10 year old English students. Bless them, they have been practicing on their own, at home, for weeks. The Christmas party at the Engish school is still weeks away, but they nailed it. Really made me smile:)

9. Amazing! A $100 donation, via a paypal "donate here" button on I CAN's site, from an old American friend whom I met here in Japan 18 years ago. Now Greg lives in the California Bay Area, and surprised me with a little gift, it seems. Cool how money can manifest from literally nowhere. Thank you to Greg!

10. Kimchee and beer!