What Tony Robbins and Sudoku Taught Me About Success

Are you familiar with the numbers puzzle called "Sudoku"? Literally, the name, from Japanese, means "numbers poison," though it could also be translated as "Number Addiction." The games are computer generated, usually, and the basic idea is pretty simple. You need to fill in the missing numbers, between one and nine, so that each 3x3 grid has all 9 digits, and each vertical and horizontal row has all 9 digits, without repeating. And the thing is, all correctly made Sudoku puzzles are solvable!

There is only one solution, but there is a solution. As I was doing my brain calisthenics with Sudoku last week, I realized that I didn't give up. I kept trying to find the answer. The reason? Because I knew there was a solution. This reminded me of the speech I heard from Anthony Robbins, when he was talking about giving up, or not. I paraphrase, but the point was that it is most difficult to keep going, to keep trying for what we want because we are not sure of the outcome!

Think about the last time you started a project or even embarked on a new hobby. If you were SURE you could play the guitar expertly after 2 years, how much longer would you keep at it? If you were certain that your new business proposal would bring in an extra $20,000 to the bottom line, how much harder would you work on it? It's only when the result is in doubt that we start to question our own motivation. Once we start doubting the result, it's not a far journey before we start doubting why we are doing what we are doing, and even, eventually, doubting ourselves.

Puzzles like Sudoku are great for keeping your mind nimble and in shape, but also for teaching stick-to-it-ivenes and perseverance. So the next time you find yourself flagging, doubting whether to continue on something that you were enthusiastic about previously, imagine that it's like a Sudoku puzzle: the answer, the result you want is guaranteed. It's just waiting for you to uncover it.

Just For Fun: Halloween

For your halloween merriment!

For your halloween merriment!

Toddler Tantrums

I had to share this "instructional video" on how to properly throw a tantrum.



For help with your toddler, visit

Talking to Toddlers

New Age Toddler Discipline

Discipline was for me always one of those "hard" words, in my mind linked with other un-fun words like "military" and "punishment."

Of course we know that discipline and punishment are two different things entirely.

But what about "communicative discipline"?

I've come across a young father who has used Ericsonian hypnosis techniques and NLP technology to actually increase rapport with his young children.

No, he doesn't recommend hypnotizing toddlers into obedient zombies. Actually, I think part of what makes being a toddler a toddler is the mischief they can get into. They are naturally curious, and not afraid to make mistakes.

Perhaps we all should have a little more toddler in us...?

Anyway, if you are interested in NLP, as I am, and are also in the midst of raising little kids, give this page a look.

I think you'll be surprised at what a little knowledge can do for your family:

Talking to Toddlers

The Day after Mother's Day: A word for Dads:

In most families, and especially here in Japan, child-rearing duties fall to the mother in the household. Watching my wife deal with managing a household—cooking, washing clothes daily, packing school lunches and communicating with teachers,--I’d say she has one of the busiest, hardest jobs in the world (though arguably one of the most rewarding). Add to this that some women, on top of all that, work during the day, and I feel almost in awe of working moms.

We men have our jobs, too, and they can be tiring. I imagine thousands of Japanese salarymen dragging themselves home after ten or so hours at the office, exhausted, hungry, and perhaps with a little work-related stress brought home for good measure.

Meishi! Furou! Neru! (Dinner! Bath! Sleep!) is not a real good basis for conjugal communication, but to say that I didn’t have nights when that’s all I wanted would be less than honest.

So what’s a father to do with his kids? Even moreso, what can the father be doing if one of his children is not going to school?

The easiest thing to do ( and what I see most often) is the blame game. I’m out all day earning money for this family! Couldn’t you at least get the kids to school?”

Blaming your wife is certainly no way to address the issue of futoko-ism. Neither is blaming the school, teachers, or your child him or herself.
The first thing you can do is to support your wife. She and you are in this together, and she needs your support (and you will need hers) as you tackle some of the challenges you will face being a “futoko parent.”

Now, being the parent of a futoko kid may not be as glamourous as being the parent of a golf pro or a t.v. personality, but it can be just as rewarding. And here is a promise: during your child’s futoko period, whether is last for days, weeks, months or years, if you stay in the game, don’t give up, and get support, you have the opportunity to learn more about your children, your spouse, your family and yourself than you ever thought possible.

The easiest and least effective route for the father to take is just to opt out. Deny there is a problem or leave it to mom and the teachers to sort out.

In my 15 years of meeting school refusal kids and their parents in japan, I can say that one of the common factors I often see is the absense (physical or emotional) of a father figure. Often times the mother is single, the father is no longer present…..


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Nov 28 Best 10

1. Kazuyuki called this morning to say that the freezing rain would keep him home today, but that he had indeed been hired for the job he interviewed for last week! It is "only" a 4 month gig at an educational publishers printing press, putting things in boxes, keeping things in order. He was so funny when I asked him about the interview, nonchalant, "yeah, I'm 'sposed to get started next year." Yes, January, in one month. This is a big step, and, beyond the idea, did it all by himself. Bravo to him!

2. Got an I CAN poster out to the NPO support center, who will display it at their 10 year anniversary event tomorrow. Though they didn't greet me as a king, like yesterday, I was happy to see this group, energized for thier event, and happy that there was a poster to contribute that would help I CAN as well.

3. Today's Rotary meeting didn't go as I had planned. I had hoped to tap on a few shoulders and mention I CAN, but suddenly the lights were dimmed for a historical video presentation. Lunch, "Katsu-don," was pretty good, though :)

4. Hit the fundraising trail again. I think I mentioned the past due notices arriving at I CAN, so there is a sense of urgency. I went to our kids' pediatrition, but she was very busy with flu shots. Then I went to "JMIX," a computer solutions company, again part of the Oshima empire. Though the decision-makers were not in, it was really nice to have someone there who would listen to our pitch, take notes, and make us feel listened to. No sponsorships at the golf driving range, but I saw some old familiar faces who said they could set up some free time for our kids, anyway.

What I am getting from these fundraising outings more than anything is the feeling of community and connectedness. Everytime I get out and meet people I realize how much more important, interesting, productive that is that staying inside and doodling with the computer.

5. I tried to immerse myself with gratefulness feelings yesterday, to help balance the bills that showed up. I really imagined what it would be like to put the required cash into the hands of the collector. I was grateful, and imagined what I would really feel if some magic influx of income "just showed up."

Then, in the mailbox, 3 unexpected checks, putting a dent in what's due. My heart beat a little faster as I opened up the deposit envelopes. Then I laughed.

6. During all this, Emiko called and said she was inspired to have a Thanksgiving party tonight. OK, one day late, but with the time difference and all, not too far off. This woman surprises me again. 2 days ago she was feeling unappreciated. Today she is calling the neighbors, roasting chicken and making her first quiche. I missed the first half of the festivities, but arrived home after work to a feast, then endless games of hide and seek with the 3~4 year old guests that had also been here at Halloween. A great end to the week. Oh yeah. Exhausting!

7. I stopped by I CAN this evening to check on Akiko and her student Hiro, and to give her a paycheck. By the time Hiro arrived, I was just remembering that she had asked me to cover this class. Whew. Saved by being there, on accident. Lucky?

8. Paycheck deposit!

9. Yuto and Eli being way too hyped up after "their" party. One of the things I love about these guys is that they honestly crack me up. Oh yeah. I mentioned exhaustion, too, right?

10. Emiko's new mood. She was making an effort to be sweet today. "I rented that DVD you wanted." Tiny gesture. Giant gratitude.

Nov 27 Best 10

This could be hard because of another blow-up at home and a few large “past due” notices at work…but here goes:

1. It was Thanksgiving! My favorite holiday the whole year, though it’s a bit different over here…

2. Before today’s mis-communication (read: meltdown), Emiko made a great poster for I CAN and the Pony group’s joint project this morning. The things she can do with a Microsoft Word program always amaze me.

3. Nice weather. Abe decided to use his time on another part time job he has to support his I CAN habit: delivering fliers, door to door. It gave me some much longed for alone time at I CAN, as Yuki was still out sick.

4. Just when I was about to get bored, my best friend and former Engish teaching comrade Simon came in the door for a visit. I have missed having him in the English school’s staffroom. Very nice to see his friendly face today.

5. After lunch and an argument at home, I tried to continue the donor canvassing from yesterday. All the low-hanging fruit has been taken by now, so thinking about where to ask is becoming more of a challenge. On the other hand, sitting down and listing possible donors starts to shift the mind into a more resourceful (abundant-thinking) state. I felt like making the list itself was important work.

6. Then I got started knocking on doors. A few false starts, then I went to UKIO, a hundred year old Japanese garden restaurant right in the middle of town. It is gorgeous, and happens to be owned by my former boss, Mr. Oshima. I like to arrive without calling. Though I lose points in business manners, I get a lot more done, meet a lot more people, and get my foot in more doors by actually being there, standing in front of the person in charge.

Today I met Mr. Fuse (Fu-say) who was remarkably friendly and happy to chat. I hope to plan another “foreigners event” at this restaurant, with geishas and everything, so we talked about what that would be like. (answer: quite expensive! You seen the rates of geisha lately?!)

Before long we were talking about who we were, personally, and it seemed as if I had made a new friend. Doubly nice if he decides to make a contribution to I CAN

7. Getting greeted like a lost king at the NPO support group. I’m not sure why, but I suspect it’s because they want more attendees at their 10th anniversary event this weekend. I should probably go, but it is right on Yuto’s 4th birthday this Sunday.

8. At an evening English class, one of the little (11?) girls who had been driving me crazy with her attitude, for the first time since I met her two months ago, seemed cute. I’m not sure if cute is the right word, but for the first time I could see her as a little girl who, despite flare ups, was really doing her best in english class.

9. Same story, different class: one of the giggly, screw-around boys stood up and gave a near flawless english presentation. Smiles.

10. A wonderful call between classes on my cellphone. It was Yuto, on his mom’s phone, calling to tell me I had forgotten a pink plastic monkey at home that he was certain I needed for work (yes, we have pink plastic monkey toys at my house. No, I don’t need them for work). Also he wanted to get a haircut. Also would I try to pick up the new Narnia DVD for him this afternoon. Amazing to me, because this whole conversation was in his second language, English.

Kids=Sponges.

Nov 25 Best 10

1. Keeping a promise to Yuto by buying him a kind of steamed-curry meat bun. I don’t know why, but it seemed important enough that I visit a few convenience stores to find this snack that I promised him yesterday. The smile on his face was worth the effort!

2. Nice hot shower to wake up from the cold night.

3. Mr. Okaniwa’s visit. It looks like our new member/donator will be dropping by for chats. About 65, with a little extra time and money now, he has found our little non-profit. A delightful man.

4. Keitaro’s University application is due on the 30th, and is coming down to the wire. It feels good to help him clean up the English on his essay, but there is still a long way to go in merely a day or two!

5. Melted cheese on toast with seasoned salt and pepper. Simple, a tad junky, but warm and soothing today at about 3:00.

6. Abe’s comment today in the car: “I think I’d like to start taking on more responsibility…” Fantastic. On the downside, I could only pay him about 90 bucks for his efforts this month.

7. Very productive meeting with the horseriding NPO we are trying to joint venture with for just a day next month. Amazing how crossed our signals had become (thanksgiving vs. christmas, our place vs. theirs, budget, etc) All these negotiating bits had waited until today. Now it seems we are back on track for a successful event come Dec. 7.

8. Nice, little tidbits of English from the little ones: a non-prompted, “Hi Charlie, how are you?” makes a world of difference. Little bits of natural(istic?) conversation mixed in with the “lesson.” The Santa is Coming to Town girls continue to amaze me.

9. A good conversation with Blair at the Engish school. Though we spent some energy criticising our last collegue, we are both looking forward to the new one, who’s visa “eligibility” just came through from the immigration office here. If all goes well, we will be welcoming a new teacher in 2~3 more weeks.

10. Hitting the hay before…um. 1:00?

Nov 24 Best 10

1. Sleeping in.

2. The fact that today, “Thanks for the Workers Day” was a holiday. Kind of a cross between the American “Thanksgiving” and “Labor Day.” Only a single, one-on-one English class in the evening, which went well.

3. It’s been a while since I rode the highway (freeway?) bus. Nice to be able to sleep, as a passenger, than have to fight the rain, fight for parking, etc.

4. I was taking the bus going up to Niigata city, the prefecture capitol, for a Free School Lecture. The speaker, Keiko Okuchi, is kind of the guru of the free school world here. Hearing her presentation, I was re-inspired and re-energized to continue with this work.

5. Ms. Okuchi invited me to their National event in Tokyo in January (to speak?) Bullet train expenses paid;)

6. A hot pastrami sandwich and a Starbucks cappucino. Yes, I go all out when I go to the big city…

7. Seeing my family after 2.5 days. The freedom I enjoy when they are at grandma’s is one thing, but the reunion is even better.

8. Communication with Emiko in the car. When the kids are asleep in their carseats, we finally can stop singing “Ultraman” songs and have adult conversation. One of the things I love about emily is that she is always trying to improve herself.

9. Rain. Rather than snow.

10. Something is stirring about writing a book…

11. Whatever I do next!

Nov 22~23 best 10 at Yoga Weekend

Good rejuvenation at one of my favorite places.

1. Meeting 2 new people, in person, via Facebook! Angela and Holly were fun new additions to this group.

2. Shiatsu (finger pressure) massage!

3. 2 days of delicious, self-grown vegetarian dining

4. Hugs from Akai san. I swear she is the only woman in Japan to do this greeting.

5. Too-hot-at-first, then just-right onsen (hot spring) bath.

6. Cold, clear sky with stars twinkling after our trip to the public bath.

7. Getting to know Takako, the lady who comes up for English lessons is now also my yoga partner/masseuse.

8. Foot massage? Not massage of the feet, but by the feet. You know, having someone step on your lower back and knead it with heel/toe.

9. Getting up early for a morning walk in the mountains. White with first snow, they were beautiful!

10. The fresh vegetables we picked and Akai san whipped together for breakfast.

11. The whole deal. Peaceful, restful, refreshing.